Supportive Communication

A520.4.3.RB - Supportive Communication

As a leader, the quality of your communications with your subordinates, team, or staff, and your boss is crucial to developing and maintaining the kinds of relationships that you need to both get the job done and foster a healthy work environment for all concerned. One’s workplace should be pleasant, with only healthy stress in the air. This blog will reflect on eight key aspects of effective and healthy communication practices that will help you to establish the good relationships that you require. These eight characteristics of supportive communication are mutually reinforcing. Imagine receiving the following email from your CEO in your Inbox on a Monday morning:

“We are getting less than 40 hours of work from a large number of our EMPLOYEES. The parking lot is sparsely used at 8:00 A.M.; likewise at 5 P.M. As managers – you either do not know what your EMPLOYEES are doing, or you do not CARE. You have created expectations on the work effort that allowed this to happen inside [fill in the blank Company], creating a very unhealthy environment. In either case, you have a problem and you will fix it or I will replace you. NEVER in my career have I allowed a team that worked for me to think they had a 40-hour job. I have allowed YOU to create a culture that is permitting this. NO LONGER.”

Would you, as a manager or supervisor, think, “Wow, I must really be doing a bad job in motivating and managing my employees; I need to get better!” I think not. The first thing that I would think…well, I can’t say that here…the second thing that I would think is probably along the lines of “leadership neither understands nor appreciates the hard work and good job that I and my people do here.” I’d be angry and defensive. I might also be fearful of a vindictive and vengeful CEO who has just destabilized my work environment. The leadership is really watching the parking lot as a measure of how well they think we’re doing our jobs? “What an idiot; how did this guy get to be the CEO?” I would also instantly notice the words in all-capital letters and interpret those as meaning that the leadership clearly thinks that all of us employees are second-class citizens (and expendable at a moment’s notice). I was taught a long time ago that using all capital letters in an email is tantamount to shouting at someone. The tone is clearly condescending and threatening to say the least. Leadership here has set up an us-versus-them relationship with all of the mid-level managers and workers. It is a classic example of disconfirmation, where the workforce will feel significantly put down, unappreciated, valueless, and insignificant. In short, I would never write an email anywhere close to the one above; not if I wanted a productive, motivated, and stable workforce. Furthermore, I’d start looking for a new job with a healthy, intelligent, caring hierarchy of leaders who had a clue.

To be effective, especially when dealing with a contentious situation, communication must be supportive. One characteristic of effective communication is “congruence” where the communication (both verbal and non-verbal) exactly matches your intended message. Congruence goes a long way to establishing sincerity as perceived by the receiver(s) of the communication. This is not to say that if you are angry, you should send angry emails or speak in anger to someone. Cool down first, collect your thoughts, decide on a productive way in which to approach the situation, then prepare your message. Incongruence is the opposite possibility where, perhaps without your conscious knowledge, you may be angry but trying to be objective and respectful in your communication; the anger nonetheless comes through to the receiver, making you appear less than genuine or trustworthy. Congruence enables the development of supportive relationships. Think through what you intend to say, be honest with yourself about how you are feeling, and make sure that your actual message and your intended message are in synch. Never react to an email that has made you angry by replying in kind. Take the high road in your response, if a response is even warranted, and keep negative emotion out of your writing.

Another quality of supportive communication is that it is descriptive rather than evaluative. A message that comes across as evaluative means exactly what the term says: you are evaluating or judging others negatively, which almost guarantees a defensive response or emotion from the receiver(s). Descriptive, on the other hand, refers to a message that is objective in that it sticks to the facts without ascribing any blame or negative assessment to another person or group. Descriptive communication greatly facilitates the quality of congruence as discussed above. In being descriptive, you describe what the situation is and not anything about the person or persons involved. In other words, there is no inference of negativity toward anyone. Thinking through the facts, and again removing the emotion, to state only the “what” of the matter will help ensure that your communication is descriptive and enable you to then talk about what “we” (important that it is a team effort) need to do to improve or solve the problem.

Closely related to descriptive versus evaluative, your message should focus on the problem and not on the person (or persons) involved. This is another facilitator of objectivity and congruence. If your communication is problem-oriented (not person-oriented), then chances are you are being descriptive (not evaluative) and your message is much more likely to avoid sounding like an evaluation of an individual or group. Again, focusing on the person will only get you a defensive reaction. Problem-oriented communication sticks to the facts and avoids the inference of blame; this in turn sets you up for a “we” type discussion of how to effectively resolve the problem.

Supportive communication seeks to validate a person or group by recognizing people’s positive contribution, their importance, and their worth to the organization or the project at hand. Any communication that invalidates someone will instantly become contentious. People who do not feel valued will never give you their best effort, and certainly not their loyalty. Even when facing a problem, you must begin by assuring folks that they are highly valued and that there is certainly nothing at all personal involved or at stake. Avoid condescension, edicts, being impersonal or impervious in your verbal and written communication. If people feel as though they are being talked down to, given rigid orders or ultimatums, are not recognized as anything more than a number, or their feelings and opinions do not count, you have set yourself up for failure as a leader. Show respect for your people, solicit their inputs, allow them to talk instead of making the communication strictly one-way. This fosters a “we are in this together and I need your help” atmosphere, and people will give you their best.

Make your communication specific so that you are understood. Vague or “global” messages will cause your people to read (or hear) your message and interpret it in their own way, or fill in the blanks, and your intended message will become distorted. Vagueness engenders uneasiness among employees; it may foster distrust as if you have a hidden agenda or don’t really know what you are talking about. People look for clear, unambiguous messages so they know what they are dealing with. Messages that are specific, concise, and objective speak to a strong, decisive leader who cares enough about his or her people to tell it like it is.

Tie what you say to something that has come before. Anchor your message with the message(s) you receive, whether in a two-way verbal conversation or through exchange of emails. This is known as “conjunctive” communication. It seeks to join what you are saying with what your people are saying so that you are not talking past each other. Conjunctive communication makes it easy for people to identify with your message because it ties in with what they know or believe. Conjunctive communication also helps people to feel understood and therefore validated.

Own what you say. Say “I” think, feel, believe, perceive, etc. Avoid references to the ubiquitous “they” or “It was decided that” wording. If you are sending a message, shouldn’t you refer to yourself directly as the sender? Owning your message avoids the perception of ambiguity or a hidden agenda. Your people are interested in what you have to say; if you fail to own your message, you will come across as bureaucratic or institutional and your people will tune you out. In other words, don’t make your messages sound like a policy document.

Finally, listen. Actively listen. Engage with the person or group; give the communication your full attention and avoid interrupting other people. Listen to understand, not to merely respond. Through your verbal and non-verbal actions, let people know that you are keenly interested in what they have to say and that you have a strong desire to thoroughly understand what they are telling you. When it’s your turn to speak, ask clarifying questions and remember to be conjunctive. You may also wish to avoid trying to solve the problem right then and there, but rather to ensure that you gather your people’s full message, as they intended, and think about what they said before engaging in analysis and problem solving. If you try too soon to solve the problem, you may shut someone down and miss the full extent of what they are trying to tell you. Also, avoid making judgements in your mind about what is being said; that will make you distracted. Focus on gathering the information coming your way.

It’s safe to say that the email quoted at the beginning did none of the eight things that I just described about supportive communication. Don’t ever write an email like that or you will permanently lose the respect, loyalty, and best efforts of your people. Instead, practice and be mindful of: 1) congruence, 2) being descriptive, 3) remaining problem-oriented, 4) validation of individuals, 5) being specific, 6) being conjunctive, 7) owning your message, 8) good listening. One wrong move in any one of these eight areas and you may never get a chance to recover.